Trying to be perfect is scary. Recognizing that we’re not? Also scary. Being okay with that? oh, boy!
This is such a hard subject, and we have managed to get it so tangled up! On the one hand, we like to think we’re capable and intelligent. Then when we mess up we’re shocked and horrified when we mess up. But on the other hand, we think of ourselves as sinful, fallen mankind. Untouchable. Unworthy. Undeserving of anything good.
And we’re stuck trying to reconcile these two images of ourselves, which never works.
Then along comes the latest sermon or podcast preaching on self-acceptance. How much God thinks of you. And as often as not, we leave that message feeling worse than when we arrived.
This whole concept is scary and confusing sometimes.
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Let’s take a look at what acceptance means, before we apply it to ourselves. Biblical Acceptance:
- Requires discernment (1 Corinthians 5:11, Proverbs 13:20)
- Doesn’t expect uniformity (Romans 14:1-2)
- God’s acceptance requires belief (John 3:16)
- God’s acceptance requires confession (1 John 1:9)
- Often requires forgiveness (Colossians 3:12-14)
- Means getting along (1 Peter 3:8)
- Doesn’t mean you lower yourself to their level (1 Peter 3:9)
These verses will help us learn to accept and love others, but we also have to turn it inward and find true self-acceptance.
Yes, I know the verses about the end times and that people will be lovers of self, a negative thing (2 Timothy 3:2). But this is different. That passage is looking at pride, as if we are the ones who achieved greatness (or even existence) on our own and therefore deserve to have everything go our way. Selfish ambition and thinking only of oneself.
That’s not what we’re talking about here. That clearly doesn’t match the general application above, much less the specific application we’re focusing on today.
Self-acceptance means something similar to genuine humility. Which means sober judgement. A realistic view of yourself. Not overinflated, but not dirt, certainly!
Consider Esther and Mordecai’s type of humility. They accepted positions of authority that put them in danger. Instead of saying “oh, we’re not worthy for such an honor” they stepped up and made a difference. Not for the glory, either.
So why exactly is this all so scary?
Self-Acceptance Means You See Yourself as God Sees You
It’s scary, because it means facing reality.
God is well acquainted with our flaws. All the ways we don’t measure up to the impossible standards of perfection.
And yet, he also sees his own reflection when he looks at us. Because God made us in his own image. And he gave us many of his own characteristics when he did that.
We struggle to reconcile the two facts above, viewing them as mutually exclusive. And in some ways, they are. On our own, the flaws, failings, and deliberate, willful sin are overpowering. We desperately want to keep them hidden. Putting our best side forward in every situation. Pretending if necessary, to keep up the image. And that’s exhausting.
But God. First of all, when God made us, we were ‘very good.’ The relationship between him and the first people was amazing. But they, together, listened to a lie. They decided to go their own way. And that fractured the relationship. But not God’s plan, memory or purpose.
If we’re going to be able to accept God’s love for us, we need to take at the way God designed us, and the way he talks about us in scripture. Because reality isn’t necessarily the one that’s been painted for us in churches today.
Worthy of Love Bible Verses
The Bible says some really important things. They show why we’re worthy, and that God loves us so very much.
Psalm 139 is a glorious passage that I think we could all benefit from reading daily. I will just quote a few of the verses (NLT) here, but I think they capture how well he knows us. This chapter tells us that God handcrafted each of us and thinks well of us. In his eyes, we are wonderfully made, and who are we to be harsh with the apple of his eye? Meaning we need to be careful with our self-talk.
Psalm 139:1, 14, 16-17: O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me…Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it…You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
This next one shows what God wants from us. Three things. Love God. Love one another. Love ourselves. So often we focus on the first two, ignore the third, and think we’re doing his will, even if it kills us. And in evangelical Christian circles, that standard is drilled into women from a young age, with sometimes devastating results.
Let’s put the balance back where it belongs and begin loving our neighbors as ourselves. Not instead of ourselves, but making sure we invest in our own wellbeing, so our cup doesn’t run dry, leaving us unable to love others at all.
Matthew 22:36-39 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
These next two passages show us that he considered us worthy enough to save and make plans for us in advance. God wants us to be grateful, and do the good things he planned for us, but God’s grace shows that he loved us already. God chose to give us a beautiful picture of how highly he values us, so we can start to believe it too.
Romans 5:8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Ephesians 2:8-10 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
And Then You Accept That God Loves You Still
Matthew 10:30 “The hairs of your head are all numbered”
God can know us so clearly, and still gives us the gifts of salvation from the penalty of our sin and an eternal relationship with him.
He looks at us as we truly are and loves us anyway. That’s the way so many of us picture this concept. But that’s incomplete, and what’s more, it’s inaccurate. Such a negative self-image will never allow us to truly accept ourselves with grace.
God created us ‘wonderfully complex’ as we read a moment ago. We’re not one-dimensional. We aren’t robots. and we aren’t worthless beings that he deigned to rescue so now we owe him perfect service.
My Experience
I am one year into counseling, and I could easily spend too much time telling you all the ways this has changed my life for the better. But we’ll just focus on one for today.
The idea of self-acceptance, and considering my own needs being important. Because I was made in the image of God, and he began a good work in me long ago. I am loved by God, therefore I matter.
I have spent so many years focusing on everyone else’s needs and desires and emotions, that I had lost touch with my own. My ‘need’ was to make sure everyone else was taken care of, to the point that I was disappearing. But God gave me a few people who started asking questions and helped me to know that God values me for me. Not for the good things I do or the bad things I avoid.
I still struggle, and I’m writing this as much for my own sake as for yours. Because it’s scary to see myself as God does. Accepted. Precious. Worthy. Forgiven. Friend. Because it’s so different than how I thought I was supposed to consider myself.
And it feels impossible to measure up sometimes. Like our failures from that point are even worse than the ones when we think we’re invisible.
But God Changes Things
But we know from even a little study of God’s Word that God’s love is tremendous. He has given us value, and we should not dismiss that lightly. If you have accepted his gift of salvation, it’s so much more than a ‘get out of hell free’ card.
You are now a son or daughter of the king. It’s time to act like it. Not like a power-hungry, spoiled rich kid, but like a real princess (or prince). As a new creation, operating from a place of security. Not to earn forgiveness or crumbs from his table.
When we reach the point of accepting that we matter, that our thoughts, opinions, needs, and wants are allowed to hold just as much space as anyone else’s, amazing things start to happen. The way we interact with others changes.
We give ourselves grace.
We no longer have to ‘measure up’ because Jesus did that part. Because of him, the condemnation we feel for being ourselves loses its sting.
This kind of self-love is one that remembers how much God values each of us and allows life to flow from that. Not from fear.
Self-Acceptance in Christian Fiction
Okay, so it’s me. You knew it was coming, right? Well, the last 2 books I read had this theme woven so clearly that I have to feature them here! I received both as review copies from NetGalley and chose to review them here. All thoughts are my own.
Brave: King David’s Wives, Book 1
This is a story of Ahinoam, wife of King David. While switching back and forth between David and Ahinoam’s perspectives, we witness both of them struggling with accepting who they are.
She struggles because she’s so different that the typical women of her day. And most of them won’t accept her. Where some people capitalize on their uniqueness, Ahinoam is torn between loving what makes her different and being confident in that life, and sadness that it isolates her so much. David has a hard time accepting himself, because he’s been rejected so much.
I really appreciated some of the explanations offered in this novelization, because they give depth and plausible ideas of the whys that aren’t recorded in the scripture. Right or not, they make sense, and don’t conflict with what we do know explicitly from the Bible.
The character growth and storyline made this book an excellent experience. I cannot wait to read the rest of the series.
Related:
Some Like it Scot
Pepper Basham’s latest, Some Like it Scot, is a beautiful story about a traveling Photojournalist known for her mishaps, and a Scot who’s trying to create a new life from some messy, broken pieces.
Again, Katie is confident in her skills, but, having lived most of her life ‘not good enough’ and never measuring up, it’s really difficult for her to accept when some people actually think she’s worth being around. Fear of disappointing them wars with hope that she may have found her people.
Graeme’s fears, having been proven valid a few times now, aren’t letting him trust that any new opportunities, personal or professional, are going to prove worth the risk.
Watching both of them begin to trust, and even think differently about themselves, is beautiful. And hilarious with their running pun-war.
God Chose You to be You
He chose us. He chose you for your time and place and circumstances.
We each have a contribution to make, and it matters. Lets live by faith and not let fear keep us from accepting who we are, and being our honest selves.
That’s the first step to being able to use the voice God gave us, and speak up when we disagree.
Let’s lean into that identity, and stop hiding our light under a bushel! Because if we can accept ourselves, we can be ourselves, and that, my friends, is something worthwhile.